Rules
by InkySpectacles
Summary: It's only natural that people create guidelines for their everyday interactions. However, when you're dealing with Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, nothing is ever normal.
1. Rules for Living at 221B

Rules for Living at 221B Baker Street

_Inspector Lestrade was on a routine "drugs bust" in 221B (Sherlock had decided to borrow some more evidence) when he came across a neatly typed, laminated sheet of paper pinned to the wall with a penknife. After reading it, he was glad that he only had to go to the apartment to wrangle the occasional limb or pill bottle from Sherlock._

_At least he didn't have to live there._

Rules for Living at 221B Baker Street

John's Rules

-I am not allowed to hide Sherlock's nicotine patches for longer than three days. His behavior is erratic enough already.

-I am no longer allowed to attempt to organize Sherlock's papers or books.

-Because now he can't find anything and he's shooting the wall. Again.

-Sherlock taking potshots at the smiley face on the wall is annoying. Me turning around and shooting it repeatedly between the eyes is frightening.

-Especially when Lestrade is in the room.

-Should an armed assassin break into 221B, I am not allowed to swordfight with them, toss them out the window, and hog-tie them with their own bootlaces. I should just knock them out and call Lestrade.

-I should not knock them out and call Mycroft. He probably knows about it already.

Sherlock's Rules

-I am not allowed to tamper with the kettle in any way, shape, or form, Given that we practically live on tea and take-away as it is, taking the tea out of the equation is a Very Bad Idea.

-Should I decide to play the violin at any time between midnight and 6am, I am to play actual music instead of screeching. Nocturnes are preferred, but any music is fine so long as it isn't screeching.

-If I leave any body parts in the fridge, microwave, fireplace, bathtub, or any other area without notifying John/Mrs. Hudson, I shouldn't' be surprised when they are confiscated.

-I WILL repair the wall next time.

-Should I discover that Mycroft has been bugging the flat, I am not allowed to blow up the bugs in a chemistry experiment and send the remains to Mycroft. It creates far too much smoke.

-However, I am allowed to smash them with a hammer and send those remains in.

I am not allowed to redecorate. EVER.


	2. Rules for Operating on NSY Headquarters

John and Sherlock's rules for operating on NSY property and crime scenes. 

_After a rather eventful case, Sherlock and John returned to 221B to find a sheet of paper resting on John's laptop. It seemed that the Lestrade had decided to take matters into his own hands in an attempt to preserve the dignity of the NSY._

John and Sherlock's rules for operating on NSY property and crime scenes. 

Written by Greg Lestrade.

_Seriously, you guys need to follow these. We don't need a repeat of this nightmare- I'm in trouble with the head of the department and Mycroft. Hard to figure out which is worse, really._

-You are never allowed to interrogate suspects EVER AGAIN.

-It is preferable that Sherlock remains his normal, abrasive self when interacting with others. Faking a charming personality in order to gain access to restricted information and evidence just confuses everybody.

-Should you two discover the existence of a secret betting pool designed to determine whether or not you're in a relationship, you're to report it directly to me. You are not to drop hints on both sides just to confuse everybody for your own amusement.

-You're also not allowed to place bets.

-John Watson is not allowed to use his "Military Voice" and a forged ID to gain permission to inspect all the weapons and ammunition in storage and remove several for "quality testing".

-I appreciate the fact that keeping Sherlock alive is a full-time job, but you need to fill out forms for that kind of thing.

-Sherlock is not allowed to hack the NSY computer system to show us its weak points. It does not have weak points. You "borrowed" a computer that someone forgot to log out of and shut down the system. Please don't do that again.

-Neither of you are allowed to "borrow" a squad car. Even though you did return it, a side mirror was missing and there were bullet holes in the trunk.

-Though the rest of the office may commend you for it, you are not allowed to destroy the uncompleted paperwork in an experiment meant to test the combustibility of paper when exposed to various chemicals.

-Is this how you deal with overdue bills?

-You are also not allowed to break into my office to steal and solve cold cases. I do appreciate the help, but the filing is a nightmare.

-If you are practicing in the shooting gallery, you are shooting at the target in front of you.

-NOWHERE ELSE. I mean it.

-This means you, John.

-Sherlock may know martial arts, but he does not need to demonstrate his comprehensive knowledge of martial arts by using Anderson as a dummy.

-And John may not demonstrate "a really neat trick an army pall taught me" if it's going to land Anderson in traction for a month. Again.

-On that note, John is no longer allowed to hide a sword in his cane.

-Even though Sherlock thinks it's cool.

-ESPECIALLY because Sherlock thinks it's cool.

-And for god's sake, QUIT ANNOYING THE CIA!

**Hi! InkySpectacles here, and I've just uploaded the first two chapters of this fanfic. Before it's cut short, I've a question (and a shameless play for reviews.) Where else do you think John and Sherlock need rules for? **


	3. NSY Christmas Party

**Someone should stop me. **

…

Sherlock realized that he might be hung over. Perhaps it was the pounding in his head that alerted him to the fact, perhaps it was the way the weak sunlight filtering through the window seemed far, far, _far_ too bright.

Or it could be the fact that he was laying half on, half off the couch, with a ripped shirt and one of his socks missing.

John chose that moment to open the door _much_ too loudly, causing the consulting detective to wince as he checked his flatmate for anything that might give a clue as to what might have happened the previous evening.

John had bloodshot eyes, a torn collar, three new bruises on his forearm and, by the looks of it, and even worse hangover than he did.

As he was passed the new sheet that had appeared in their letterbox that morning, Sherlock stopped deducing.

Sometimes, you just don't want to know.

**John and Sherlock's Rules for ANY sort of police function/party/after-work drinking group**

**_Especially_ the NSY Christmas Party**

_I'm not even going to ask about what was going through your heads, or for the finer details of last night's…events. Just observe this new set of guidelines and we will never speak of this again._

-Experimental chemical compounds shouldn't be added to already-spiked punch. We've had to put out a publication ban to preserve what's left of New Scotland Yard's dignity…_and don't you two dare say ANYTHING. _

-Sherlock, I don't care whether or not you blew up your wardrobe in some sort of experiment that will prove invaluable in a later case, you will wear PROPERLY FITTING clothes to all NSY gatherings. Those pants were INDECENTLY tight, and I am taking no responsibility for any and all comments, stares, and insinuations.

-Anderson will recover. Eventually. However, if you two poison him again, I _will _team up with Mycroft and make you both go undercover the next time we need to do a sting at a couple's therapy retreat. And no, this isn't a threat. _It's a promise. _

-You are both _forbidden_ from _ever_ getting anywhere _near_ mistletoe _ever again_. I don't want to know whether or not you snogged, but it appears that the majority of the females on the force are all for shoving you into a broom closet with a hidden camera to "work through your feelings"

-Yes, a hidden camera. Ours are a strange lot. And apparently there might be a fanclub.

-John is not allowed to hijack the sound system to play "proper decent music". I dislike techno-pop as much as the next sane non-club-hopper, but the DJ is going to need therapy after a man half his size and a good fifty pounds lighter knocked him out with his own earphones.

-And, _for the love of all things holy_, stop flirting with the techies! Both of you! I don't care that John can be just as charming as Sherlock can fake when he feels like it, I don't care that they can give you access to files, cameras, and restricted gadgets, they're all very delicate and if you break their hearts we'll be dealing with computer viruses for weeks!

_I don't even know why I bother…_

…

Sherlock raised an expressive eyebrow. So…

"A fanclub?"

John looked a bit worried. "I'm not setting foot in NSY headquarters without an armed guard. Or several."

Sherlock considers the statement before twisting into a more comfortable position on the couch. "Given how it takes to procure such security, you've plenty of time to make some tea."

"We're out of milk."

"Go to the shop, then."

"SHERLOCK!"

…

**A combination of writer's block for this fic and excessive ideas for other ones is to blame for the slow update. Feel free to wear your goggles, but I haven't the courage to write slash just yet. However, the fanclub idea has been plot-bunny-ing in my head, and I'm wondering if anyone might like to see a fic revolving around that. **

**Anyhoo, I hope this gave you a few giggles on an otherwise dull Tuesday evening. Leave a review on the way out and I might be tempted to update a bit faster!**


	4. Mycroft's Turn

So, this is my apology for not updating in forever; a nice long chapter with a bunch of little crossover references. And some messing-with-Mycoft. Don't we all love that?

**Disclaimer: If I owned _Sherlock_, season three would have been released _months_ ago. **

Returning home from a particularly… _eventful_ case, Sherlock and John almost missed the small envelope sticking out of their letterbox. Sherlock caught the flash of white just in time, and stuck it in his coat pocket.

He remembered it about half an hour later, when Mrs. Hudson had finished scolding them for the stunt they'd pulled (It's not like they'd fallen _that _faroff the Tower Bridge, and they were only wet from the rain, so he wasn't sure what all the fuss was about,) and John had started on the latest blog entry.

Turning the envelope over in his hands, he allowed himself to study it before he bothered looking for the letter opener (another small knife, different from the one that pinned most of the mail to the wall.)

_Cream-laid paper, very high quality, especially for an envelope. No stamp, so hand-delivered, and sealed shut with a subtle but definitely official seal. No address, but our names are written in elegant handwriting, the slopes and curls suggesting an intelligent woman. However, the lack of other ornamentation combined with the seal suggests…_

"Letter from Mycroft, John."

"Oh?"

Catching the letter opener that John lobbed in his general direction, Sherlock pulled out a single page. Scanning it, he couldn't help but grin at the obviously seething tone.

He did love annoying his brother.

…

Sherlock and John's Rules for interacting with Government Agencies, Including (But Certainly Not Limited To) The Secret Service, the FBI, the CIA, MI6, MI5, MI13 (even though we still refuse to admit to their existence) and Mycroft's Minions. 

_Dictated by a Very Annoyed Mycroft Holmes._

_Transcribed by Anthea. _

1. Sherlock and John are not allowed to bluff their way onto top-secret research facilities.

-Wasn't John already forbidden from using his "military voice" for such purposes?

2. Though we all agree that things didn't go so well the last time the CIA was involved, that doesn't mean that it is acceptable to treat any following agents as if they're worse than Anderson.

-No amount of muffin baskets can smooth over the fact that you pushed him into the Thames.

-I don't care if he insulted your jumper, Watson!

-And aren't you supposed to be the SANE one?

3. On another note, Sherlock is now banned from Lightman Group premises unless supervised.

-John is not considered "supervision".

-Unless he _wants_ to pry those two apart next time they start bickering over emotional vs. quantitative deduction.

-Apparently Torres and Loker found the entire thing hilarious.

3. The same general principal now applies to the following areas/personnel

-SSA Reid and the City of Quantico

-How those two managed to carry on a five-hour non-stop conversation (spanning at least eight languages and more topics than witnesses could count) is beyond  
>me, but the comments delivered to those who tried to bring your attention back to the case at hand were really uncalled for.<p>

-Dr, Temperance Brennan and the Smithsonian Institution

-However interesting your conversation on how interesting the decaying rates of various tissues under various conditions are, it put everyone else off their dinner.

-SSA Booth and Doctor Watson, however, are still permitted to interact in their "I work/live with a Mad Scientist with no Social Skills" support group.

-As a general rule of thumb, if there is a slightly mad/eccentric/socially awkward/snarky genius in the area, John is to call for back-up and keep a close eye on  
>Sherlock.<p>

-Any more diplomatic incidents and my employer may just have you charged with treason.

3. Should you be arrested and detained by any government agency, you are to remain _polite_, call the number for the lawyer I gave you, and wait for the charges to be dropped

-Staging a jailbreak not commonly seen outside of a high-budget action movie is completely unacceptable.

-The repairs are taking a rather large chunk out of my tea budget

4. On that note, Detective Kate Beckett would like to inform you that if she sees a _hint _of either of you _anywhere _near the Twelfth Precinct, she will personally arrest you both, and force you to be interviewed by Rick Castle. Apparently, you'd be "brilliant characters" for his next book.

-And I won't bail you out until he has all of the "data" he needs.

5. While frankly, I am amazed that NSY hasn't had the both of you arrested more often, sending them on a wild goose chase to apprehend a "mysterious stalker" that is actually the agent I assigned to watch the two of you truly did merit their reaction. Your retaliation to their reaction, however, was entirely unmerited, and will not happen again.

-Next time, you will be re-sorting the files from "the boring scale" back into their proper format, removing the capsicum oil tablets from the coffeemaker, returning all of  
>the evidence you stole from the archives, re-booting the entire criminal database, re-organizing THOSE files, and buying new plants that <em>aren't <em>Venus flytraps.

-I honestly don't care that they staged seventeen "drugs busts" and confiscated all the experiments and the jam. You deserved it.

_And if you break into my offices **one more time**, I will send you both all of the paperwork that your escapades have ever caused, and prevent you from acquiring any new cases until you've filled out every sheet. _

…

Sherlock neatly folded the missive into a paper airplane and flew it to John, whose eyebrows slowly crept up his forehead as he read it. Laying the document down, he turned to his flatmate.

"Mycroft's certainly covering all the bases."

"Trying to. I've noticed three loopholes already. And that's not even going into the fine detail."

Elsewhere, Lestrade and Mycroft shuddered simultaneously.

**Damn. This isn't good. I've actually run out of ideas for this- we'll, I've a _very_ brief idea left for the last chapter, but that wraps up everything and I'll have to end the story, and I'm not sure if I want to do that. Please, for the love of deerstalkers, give me ideas!**


End file.
